Long Day

SO - we had a wonderful vacation with fantastic friends. More on that later...

My gallbladder did not respond to treatment with a low fat diet and medication. I have continued to have a moderate to high level of pain pretty much every day. In the 9 weeks since my diagnosis, I have had a few good days and even a good week, but let's face it - almost constant pain and developing a Pavlovian response to food (I am overcome by a physical wave of dread when it is time to eat) are not healthy. Nor is that an acceptable burden to put on this pregnancy.

I came home from our vacation resigned to the fact that I would probably have surgery between Thanksgiving and Christmas and with an appointment to talk it over with the surgeon two days later.

I felt just at ease with the surgeon as I had on my first visit. He listened and nodded and we talked and joked. Then he started checking his surgical schedule. At my suggestion, we started out by looking at the week after Thanksgiving... moments later, he was on the phone requesting a room for Monday - as in THIS Monday - as in 3 short days from where we were sitting. I swallowed a huge knot of panic. He said that if we were going to do this, we might as well stop putting it off... plus, this way I have less time to freak out. What I want to know is how he figured me out so quickly! The man has spent a total of 45 minutes with me, yet he knew that giving me a long lead time into surgery was a bad idea. *sigh*

That brings me to today. Monday. THE Monday. Lily Ruth is with her paternal grandparents in Houston. She's having such a great time that she is refusing to talk to me on the phone :-/ I have bathed twice with Hibiclens (the hospital-grade sterilizing wash), and had my last food & drink at 3 this morning. Now I just have to show up and do this...

I asked one of my on-line communities for meditations or mantras or prayers that they use to offer things up and let them go. I know for a fact that dragging fear and uncertainty into surgery with me is not helpful. I got a few responses - all very sweet and well intentioned - but none of them struck a chord with me. Then today, I jumped into the car to get gas and cash before we go to the hospital. In 15 short minutes, I heard 'Let it Be' by the Beatles TWICE. Not an everyday occurrence. I stopped the car and cried. Let it be. Let it go. Trust and breathe. I can do this.

Here's my list of reasons why today is so awesome:

1) After I recover, I can stop taking all of this damn pills!
2) I won't be in pain or afraid to eat anymore.
3) I can resume my love affair with cheese very soon.
4) ... that's enough for now...

Gotta run. They're expecting me.