Sunday, September 5, 2010

oh, that.

I'm having trouble with the past tonight. It's almost as though the troubles of today (and there are multitudes) aren't enough and I had to go a'borrowin'.

As a family, we've left our day-to-day behind, and are trying to relax. I have found a way to not only NOT relax, but to key myself up so badly that I cannot possibly sleep in the foreseeable future.

There is a point in relationships where you have to say 'that happened in the past. It is no longer germane to what we are living now'. Yet at the same time, when you uncover something that continues what was a pattern, it still hurts.

The sucky thing is this - I've had one of my 'feelings', and it was yet again correct. It's just that this time it was in the past. So now what do I do? Do I fess up that I know or do I just offer it up and let it go?

It has been so recent that I've even let myself be close to opening up and letting go of the hurt. I hate that there was more to what happened. It makes me want to ball up and retreat.

Here's what I looked like when this was real:

Can you see why I feel a bit fragile about what was happening then? I had a lot to protect, and a lot to lose. Right now, I feel like part of me lost.

I feel certain that in the light of day, I will choose to offer this burden up to someone who is so much stronger than me. Right now my shoulders hurt, my jaw hurts, and my eyes are hot and full of self-pitying tears.

I can do this, and I WILL. I am stronger than the past. I am the woman who stands (weeps?) here now. Hear me roar. Hear me keen. Hear me speak my truth to the light and learn to let it go. Please. Let it go.


  1. Oh dear Rachel, I don't know what's going on, but know that I'm thinking of you.

  2. G - thank you! I am already feeling better. We're talking instead of fighting so things are better than they could be :-)