zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... or not...

Ya'll remember how the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie started? No? Well near the beginning, Elizabeth passes out due to the combination of heat and wearing her first corset. She falls dooooooooooooooooown into the water and sinks to the bottom. As she hits the bottom, the piece of pirate's gold that she has secretly been wearing around her neck gives off a sonic 'thud' that calls the pirates to come and reclaim it.

That's how I feel almost every night. I feel like the first truly relaxed breath that I take sends out a call that wakes up Lily Ruth. Seriously.

Last night was a masterpiece of insomnia. Lily Ruth went to bed at her normal time despite missing her Daddy. She stayed asleep while I watched a little t.v., checked out the internet, and then talked on the phone. I had just settled into bed with a book that I was almost finished reading when she woke up. I brought her into bed with me to nurse. I was so close to finishing the book that I left my bedside light on and read. I very quickly finished the book and turned off the light.

Lily Ruth sat STRAIGHT up and said 'Mama?' That was it for sleeping. We nursed, we rocked. I cajoled, pleaded, demanded and feigned sleep - all to no avail. She flopped around, whined, climbed, laughed, patted my face, kissed me repeatedly and asked to get up ('Bup?'). At one point, I even turned the t.v. on for her. She watched Oobi and I dozed. Every time that she noticed me sleeping, she would shout 'MAMA!!!!' I would jump. She would smile. That was my least favorite part.

She didn't fall back asleep until after 2:30. I'm not sure how long after 2:30. I refused to lift my head to check the time after then. I think it's catching up with her though...

This is the kind of night that make me question my decision (at 36!!!!) to become a mother. Of course, now it's too late. I'm a mother. She's my baby. This is my life...

Of course, if we delve a little deeper, it becomes evident that my life does NOT suck. Despite the 15+ months of sleep deprivation, I'm actually pretty lucky. I have an amazing, intelligent daughter who pushes me to be a better person every day. I am surrounded by people who love me. Despite my current state of overload, I am entirely certain that I will survive this. I may even come out ahead...