Thursday, January 14, 2010

My New Philosophy

We have a problem. It involves the following elements:

1. The giant air conditioning and heating unit for our house. By giant, I mean G-I-A-N-T. This thing is huge and ugly. It's situated on the back of the house between the master bath and the dining room - the guest bath 'overlooks' it (pretty view...). It's so ugly that we installed a 2X4 with indoor/outdoor matchstick blinds hanging from it to help camouflage it's appearance, but it's still hideous.

2. The Creepy Ginger Cats. Before we closed on this house, my Mama would walk by on her daily morning walk, and she reported that there was a fairly sizable conclave of orange and yellow tabby cats that met in the front yard. After we moved in, they changed their meeting spot to a more clandestine locale, but retained ownership of the backyard. It took almost a year for Keely and the boy cats to establish their perimeter, but by last summer, the ginger kids were only using our yard as a thru-way and not a destination.

3. I have a territorial dog. She absolutely loathes the ginger cats, and goes bat-shit every time she sees one. We're talking hackles up, top-of-her-lungs barking, and lunging full force at the plate glass window. This usually occurs when I have just managed to soothe the baby down for a nap. It takes me forever to quiet the dog and calm her down.

Well, the giant hideous ac unit is not as enclosed as it should be. There is a gap of about 6 inches between the wall and the unit on one side, and apparently, the entire back is empty space. Here's why I think that - it's like a clown car for cats back there. We've always noticed some activity coming and going, but it always seemed to be one or two cats at a time. Now that the weather is colder and wetter, there are larger multiples of cats in and out, and some days it seems that a ridiculous number of animals emerge from there at any given time. Seriously. How many stray ginger cats ARE there in this area? How did they all hear about us? Should I check the curb for a chalk hobo mark? If there is one present, how do I change it from 'Cozy Digs, No Hassle From the Man' to 'Terrible Accommodations - Avoid This Place'?

Today was a Straw/Camel's Back kind of day. Lily Ruth has not been sleeping well at night or napping for more than 30 minutes at a time. The two of us are zombies, and Daddy's only marginally better off. Today was the kind of day wherein I spend the majority of the day attempting to entice Lily Ruth to nap - unsuccessfully. Every time she would start to relax, the clowns would start fighting behind the intake vent (alerting the dog) then they would ramp it up and spill out into the yard and the barking fit would begin. This happened approximately 500 bazillion times. My poor daughter slept for a total of 30 minutes (BTW, that is not enough for a 6 1/2 month old), and I was so fed up with the dog, that I was about to sell her to gypsies.

Around the time that I was about to lose my mind, my Kittyn called (you know the one - the blogger) and talked me off the ledge. During our call, ANOTHER DAMN CAT FIGHT STARTED, and (yep) the dog went nutsos. I tried to Dog Whisper her - kept my voice level, got in between her and the window, moved her back without eye contact - but she was still all pissy and I ended up snapping 'Put your fur down and zip your lips' at her. I thought that was the sort of thing that everybody says to their dog, so I didn't really give it any thought. Well apparently, most folks aren't me, and Kittyn ended up in hysterics over this. Then we realized THIS CAN APPLY TO ANYTHING!

Dog barking - Put your fur down and zip your lips
Girl friend whining about her dumb-ass boyfriend - Put your fur down and zip your lips
Employees not performing their duties - Put your fur down and zip your lips
Service industry employee sasses you - Put your fur down and zip your lips (JUST KIDDING!!! Be nice to service industry employees - karma's a bitch.)
Feeling sorry for yourself, but it's time to get back to life - Put your fur down and zip your lips

You get the picture.

So then I realize that this is perfect for a new life philosophy. It's a no-nonsense, take no prisoners, no whiners allowed way to go about things, and that may be just what I need... I really hope that this catches on... That would please me...

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