Monday, July 26, 2010

Online Watermelon Madness

This story actually begins many moons ago. When the earth was still cooling... and Daddy Don was still in law school. We're talking more than 10 years ago, people :-P

Mama was just Rachel. Kittyn wasn't yet Kittyn - just Robyn. Daddy was in school and worked, so he wasn't around much (but he was missed). Mama and Kittyn had (and still have) a great friend named Poodle (or as his mama refers to him - Sig) who liked them so much that he dragged them all over San Diego encouraging them to ingest alarming quantities of alcohol.

In the way that these happen, a list was made of things that were liked. In the way that these things progress, several things were taken OFF the list of things that were liked, and put onto a list of 'things that are OFF the list'. This second list was deemed important enough to write directly onto the wall in permanent marker. Here is the fabled 'off the list' in it's earliest days:

Note that Kittyn is tan, buff, red-eyed and adamant. That's how we used to roll :-)

The list grew, shrank, grew and was eventually painted over when the condo was sold, but the legend of the list lives on in oft-told story among those who were there... this brings us to present day...

Recently, I was getting ready to clean out the fridge when Kittyn called. We were visiting as I realized that I might need to store some stuff in the second fridge in the garage during the process. Well, the damn second fridge is always full of stuff like empty beer boxes because we usually only have one hand free (the other is holding the door to the house), so 'we' (Daddy) tend to leave trash in there taking up all of the room.

I began to pull cardboard out and stack it for recycling. I reached the back of the bottom shelf, and found a box that was stuck to the shelf. I tugged, swore, tugged again. It came free with a sticky, nasty noise. I realized that said box contained quart-sized zipper bags that were full of (the remnants of) watermelon. Not just any nasty aged watermelon, but watermelon that I sliced and bagged THE WEEK THAT LILY RUTH WAS BORN. That's right - over a year ago. At that time, somebody told me that watermelon can start contractions if your body is ready for labor, so I had gone out and purchased a gigantic watermelon and commenced eating.

I only made it through about half of that sucker before I realized that my body wasn't ready, and I was tired of really intense Braxton-Hicks contractions that took me nowhere on the labor progress scale.

The box was shoved to the back and forgotten. Until cleaning day. I was grossed out, pissed off at myself and embarrassed. I still managed to admit my shameful secret to (I thought) my best friend. She was grossed out too, and made me hang up to finish the job so that she could not be accused of helping me procrastinate any longer.

Then she jumped on Facebook and updated her status to 'may never eat another slice of watermelon'. Then her mom asked why, and she said 'ask Rachel'. After that, it was ON. Silliness flew between Kittyn's wall & my wall. We spent the rest of the day giddy with the fun of an on-line 'war'. We even recruited Kittyn's Mom, New Friend Sarah and Poodle to play!

Here is a transcript. The names have been changed to suit my whimsical nature - there are no innocents:

- From Kittyn's 'wall'
Kittyn: Not sure she can ever eat watermelon again.
Kittyn's Mom: a few too many slices?
Kittyn: Ask Rachel.......
Kittyn's Mom: OK : )
Mama Rachel: dammit, Davies - that was a CONFIDENTIAL exchange between (previous) best friends. You're on my list! :-)
Kittyn: You take that back right now!!
Mama Rachel: make me. the list is being magic-markered onto my wall as we speak...
Kittyn: I am making my own 'list' right now - it is ON!
Mama Rachel: bring it, little girl.
Kittyn: Oh I will bring it Doyle - Revenge is a dish best served cold - kind of like watermelon!

from my 'wall'
Kittyn's Mom: What's up with Robyn & watermelon??
Kittyn: You tell her Mrs. Doyle!
Mama Rachel: Do I know?
Mama Rachel: Oh. Dammit, Robyn! Leslie, I am TERRIBLE at cleaning out the fridge. That goes quadruple for the extra fridge in the garage... that's all I will say in a public forum. Robyn, zip your lips.
Kittyn: Zipped- but the truth will set you free!
Kittyn's Mom: Are you telling me that you don't age watermelon and use a straw? Damn! There goes the fruit course tonight. ><
Mama Rachel: well, it was aged... whiskered even...
Kittyn: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww-ya didn't mention whiskers!
Kittyn: If you shaved the whiskers and wove them together could it be a watermerkin?
Mama Rachel: omg, that is BEYOND genius!

Since I had threatened a list, proof was needed. I posted this picture and got the following responses:

Kittyn: Seriously and watermelon doesn't rank number 1?!?!?! ;-P
New Friend Sarah: He he he very expressive, but I would have gotten a lot farther then TWO! Give us MORE!
Poodle: I am so glad that Mandy Moore is now over 18 and she can be ON the list
Mama Rachel: Did I mention that this is my list of things that are OFF my list?
Poodle: No . . . you did NOT!
New Friend Sarah: YAY this says ON my list not OFF my list
Poodle: Also, if you really had an "off the list" list, you would have written directly on the wall or door.
Mama Rachel: Look, I just fixed then painted that wall recently. I am too lazy to create a situation where I'd have to re-do it. You know what's going on the list? Smart-ass Californians :-P Oh, and Don for accidentally insinuating that I'm fat then apologizing real fast.
Mama Rachel: Sarah, many moons ago (in a land far from here) Sig had a list magic-markered on his wall. It's a long, wonderful story. Robyn is spilling my 'secrets' in public today, so she's on my list of things that are off my list... apparently she has a list too, but I've seen no proof.
Kittyn: Try my blog betch ;p
Kittyn: Really Sig - can Mandy Moore ever come off the Off List?
Poodle: Robyn, you are right. Mandy Moore (and Toni Braxton) really is an "off the list" hall of famer.
Poodle: . . . why is Robyn off the list?
Kittyn: Ask her about the watermelon - she'll tell you why I'm off the list!
Kittyn: And Doyle - really sorry for airing your dirty watermelon in public.
Mama Rachel: you are not the least bit sorry. don't make this any worse for yourself...
Poodle: . . . well?
Mama Rachel: perhaps we should just say that some of us know how to have horrible moments, and some of us are good at blabbing those moments to the entire interwebs.
Kittyn: God grant me the serenity to accept the fruit I cannot find; the courage to throw away the fruit I can and the wisdom to know when to clean the fridge.
Poodle: I am certain the story must be hilarious and I would love to be in on the fun.
Mama Rachel: Robyn says I can't tell you. She's mean.
Mama Rachel: and bossier than me.
Poodle: In her post from seven hours ago she says I should ask you and you will tell me.
Mama Rachel: YAY! No take-backs on permissions, Davies! If only it were funnier... I'll call ya...

So that's when I began to write out the story. And here we are. You've managed to waste perfectly good time reading my nonsense. Again :-) It's just that it felt so good to be that silly. Kittyn & I used to behave like that all of the time. It kept us sane through years of crappy jobs. I miss it.


  1. Okay, 1st - the red eyes are from the camera, 2nd - watermelon really needs to go on that list, 3rd - I haven't had a sillier time on facebook ;), 4th - can we start calling ourselves the watermelon queens (just asking).

    BTW - did ya call poodle?

  2. Also - I could have sworn that Mandy Moore was what started the list. I guess that is why cocktail races came off (in the words of the great Martha Stewart - 'now THAT's a good thing'!