This Again...

03/26/10 3 weeks + 3 days
I hate to be one of those people (truly I do), but I just know that I'm pregnant. I knew the day after it happened. I'm not psychic (but how cool would that be?), I've become so ridiculously tuned in to my body since having Lily Ruth. It has been in turns cool and obnoxious that my body now basically sends me a text (or a telegram - singing and non) whenever anything related to my Lady Cycle occurs. I didn't ask for this skill, so it had better have some sort of handy application other than internal pregnancy test.

I've been dizzy and (TMI ALERT!!!) my nipples are sore again. Add in the fact that several dumb things have made me cry in the last few days, and I'm just sure of it. I won't buy a test until next weekend, but I'm SURE, ya'll!

Oh, so one of the things that made me cry - reading the website for a local midwife service. I'm totally going that route this time. They basically wrote out my birth plan and posted it on their website as their model of care. According to them, my second birth experience should be everything that I thought I was going to get the first time around, but didn't. I will labor in any position that I find helpful NOT flat on my back. I will not be tethered to an I.V. pole the entire time. I won't be gently or otherwise coerced into being drugged up for the whole thing (but it's an option). My baby will be placed on me immediately, and will remain there NOT taken from me and subjected to several hours of tests before being returned. Wow.

03/29/11 - 3 weeks + 6 days
I am in emotion overflow mode. Things that should be fine are tear or gag inducing. Examples: 1) I cried at mom's office. Granted, it was an important situation, but not one that should have elicited tears from me. 2) Watching t.v. - a cringe-worthy moment sends me into uncontrollable gagging. Soooo pregnant. Soooo hard to wait until Friday to take the damn test!

03/30/11 - 4 weeks
I took the damn test. I couldn't wait. AND IT WAS POSITIVE!!!! A very, very, very faint positive, but a positive nonetheless. I called Don, but no one else. This go-round, we will not be spilling the beans until AFTER we hear a heartbeat. I'm going to test again this weekend then call the midwife practice to set up my appointment :-)

04/01/11 - 4 weeks + 2 days
I took another test... I know, I know. Money down the toilet (literally), and all that, but I COULDN'T HELP IT. It was another faint positive :-)

04/03/11 - 4 weeks + 4 days
I'm way more than cautiously optimistic since I had already started spotting by now last time around. I just keep thinking about this baby and much Lily Ruth is going to love having her very own sibling (instead of coveting Henry's sister Lara)!

This cycle feels different. I hope very much that I am right in thinking so instead of being possibly dangerously delusional. Having a positive pregnancy test the very next cycle after a miscarriage feels like tempting fate.

04/04/11 - 4 weeks + 5 days
I took another test (I had one on-hand - didn't waste anymore money :-P) and made an appointment with the midwife group. My expectation was that they would see me around 7-9 weeks. Well, when you choose a model of care that states that pregnancy is not a medical emergency but is a natural state of being, they do things a little differently. This group schedules their initial pregnancy appointment between 9 and 12 weeks... so I'll be seen at 10 weeks for my first appointment, and there won't be an ultrasound, just a doppler of the heartbeat. I'll go in again 2 weeks later for the ultrasound.

I am thrilled to be treated like a healthy person instead of a sick one, but I do have to admit that I am disappointed that I won't be able to see the baby immediately :-P

Now that I think about it, I am a little bit freaked out that I will go through the first 10 weeks of my pregnancy with zero medical intervention. I know intellectually that I will be happy, healthy and fine, but I am used to being dragged into a medical office on every possible occasion so that they can charge my insurance company. Time to shift my 'norm'.

04/06/11 - 5 weeks
I started miscarrying again tonight. No doubt about it.

It's time to take a step back and re-evaluate our position. Obviously, my body is not prepared to carry a baby for whatever reason right now.

It's strange. I had several moments of 'maybe now is not a great time to have a baby' today. Did my body already know? Lily Ruth had a meltdown and BIT ME hard enough to leave a bruise. Daddy Don was feeling blue because he hasn't taken an actual vacation in 3 years. He always works via laptop when we're away - it's been a bummer. I was feeling extra guilty about not being back at work and brining in more money... I think it's time to wait instead of time to push forward into 'WE NEED ANOTHER BABY' mode... because we don't need another child. The one we have is awesome. If we spend the rest of our lives with just her, that would be more than fine.

We can revisit this whole baby thing later if we get the itch. For now, it's time to be thankful for what we have, and look for ways to improve the time that we spend together. We can put some energy into the pool and the house and spend the summer entertaining. That's what we did our first summer in this house. It was such fun!

I've let myself become overwhelmed again. The house is a mess. This weekend needs to be a time to re-set my priorities and re-claim my home. Who wants to come drink cocktails with me while I clean?