I have been carrying around a giant load of guilt about not being a working-outside-the-home mother. Lately, that guilt has grown so large that I've allowed it to overshadow some of my joy. I've been short-tempered and even less patient than usual. I've devoted way too much energy and time to thinking about ways I could try to convince my employer to bend their rules and schedules to fit my needs (they can't, so the effort is wasted). I've looked into job openings that would underpay, underuse and under-stimulate me that still wouldn't fit my needs. I've been a woman obsessed.
I finally just sat down and talked to my husband. Why it took me so long to do so is a mystery. The man is my partner, my best friend and my touchstone. As it turns out, he isn't mad that I'm not back at work. Not only is he glad that we've been able to afford for me to stay home, but he's proud of me for being able to switch gears from working girl to mama. We worked on it together. We're taking another hard look at our monthly expenses, and making more cuts. We're finally getting rid of the expensive car that can't even hold Lily's car seat. I'm going to take over payment of the bills so that I have a better understanding of available funds (apparently the ostrich head-in-the-sand approach is counter-productive - who knew?).
I feel a lot better. The guilt retreats to it's cave. The stone is lifting from my chest. I didn't even have to use the speech that I had prepared in my head that rambled on and on and on about 'Why I Cannot Work Evenings, Weekends and Holidays Any More'. That bit is evident in the way that our days spent together as a family play out...
First, dinosaurs try to drink my coffee:
Then, Lily Ruth needs help figuring out how bubbles are blown - do I use my mouth or my nose?
Then the dog infiltrates the playhouse as Lily Ruth chooses 'nose' yet again:
Then Bing asks if he can borrow the laptop - he has some surfing to do:
How could I miss all of this? Who would keep the dinosaurs out of the coffee, the bubble wands out of the noses, the dogs out of the play houses, and the cats off the internet if I was at work? Daddy only has two hands, and he was using both of them to fry up bacon! See, I have to stay home. It's my job. And I'm good at it ;-)