Still Standing

So, I made it. I didn't just survive, I made it out strong. I said what I had to say without freaking out (mostly). I gave him time to think before demanding answers. We finished out our holiday weekend with the family and even had a good time.

We did more talking today. We both had things to say, and all of it was valid. I think we're going to make it out of this o.k. I want us to be o.k., and he does too. We're still a family because we want to be. Sometimes that takes work. Sometimes (hopefully very rarely) that work is more than you ever thought you'd be willing to do. If you both do it anyway, because you both want to, maybe it's a sign that love lives there.

I should have a new, fun Lily Ruth + recipe post soon. Well, soon is very relative. In this case, soon is whenever I get caught up enough on my sleep to process and then type out some fun stuff. Don't hold your breath tomorrow. This may take a while.

For now, rest easy in the assurance that Lily Ruth has added new words, dance moves and motor skills to her repertoire whilst we were away ;-)

oh, that.

I'm having trouble with the past tonight. It's almost as though the troubles of today (and there are multitudes) aren't enough and I had to go a'borrowin'.

As a family, we've left our day-to-day behind, and are trying to relax. I have found a way to not only NOT relax, but to key myself up so badly that I cannot possibly sleep in the foreseeable future.

There is a point in relationships where you have to say 'that happened in the past. It is no longer germane to what we are living now'. Yet at the same time, when you uncover something that continues what was a pattern, it still hurts.

The sucky thing is this - I've had one of my 'feelings', and it was yet again correct. It's just that this time it was in the past. So now what do I do? Do I fess up that I know or do I just offer it up and let it go?

It has been so recent that I've even let myself be close to opening up and letting go of the hurt. I hate that there was more to what happened. It makes me want to ball up and retreat.

Here's what I looked like when this was real:


Can you see why I feel a bit fragile about what was happening then? I had a lot to protect, and a lot to lose. Right now, I feel like part of me lost.

I feel certain that in the light of day, I will choose to offer this burden up to someone who is so much stronger than me. Right now my shoulders hurt, my jaw hurts, and my eyes are hot and full of self-pitying tears.

I can do this, and I WILL. I am stronger than the past. I am the woman who stands (weeps?) here now. Hear me roar. Hear me keen. Hear me speak my truth to the light and learn to let it go. Please. Let it go.