Nursing a Toddler

Today marks two weeks and one day since Lily Ruth last nursed. The first two mornings, she asked and I redirected her. She was ticked, but redirected easily. The third morning, she didn't ask. I panicked a little and almost offered. Since our early morning nursing sessions were the only ones left, that means that she hasn't nursed since then.

Yesterday morning, out of the blue, she asked again but just once. I scooped her into my arms and snuggled her instead. Again today, she asked to nurse. I patted her back instead of saying no. She immediately ramped it up to 'Uth NURSE, Mama! Uth NURSE, Mama!' So I drew her in close and said 'there's no milk in there, Honey. It's all gone.' To my intense relief (and surprise), she snuggled in and went back to sleep.

This is such a bittersweet time. I am so ready to be done nursing... but this has been our special time for almost two whole years. Two years of nourishing, comforting and holding my baby close. Two years of sharing my body, my time and my focus.

I had a soapbox rant a few months back - right after that damn doctor's appointment - and it reminded me that I had never posted a story about our nursing journey. I started a post last year for World Breastfeeding Week, but never finished it, and ultimately deleted it because it hadn't taken enough form to be worth keeping. I started my story again, and let it peter out again. Time to finish it up, and send it out into the blog world :-)

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This is my breastfeeding story. In telling it, I am not implying that my choices make me a better mother or a better person. Breastfeeding is an option, a choice and a very emotionally charged issue for some. I know some amazing mothers who can't breastfeed. I know some great mothers who chose not to breastfeed. It is what it is.

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I was always my intention to nurse any and all children that I might have. I thought that I had all of my bases covered. I even took a breastfeeding class through my hospital before Lily Ruth arrived. I mean, how hard could it be? My body was designed to do this, and I understood the mechanics. The rest would just happen, right? Well, for some people it does. For us, it didn't.

Lily Ruth latched on perfectly within minutes of her birth.

We thought we had it covered. A lactation consultant came by the next morning and declared us pros.

Her latch was textbook. My positioning was perfect. We were golden, right? No.

We got home, and she wanted to nurse non-stop. I was happy to oblige, but it seemed excessive. Oh, and as far as I could tell, my milk hadn't come in. Everybody said that the initial engorgement of your milk coming in was one of those things that you KNOW when it happens. Since I was still futzing around with the same boobs I'd had my whole pregnancy, I was pretty sure that the milk hadn't shown up yet. Lily Ruth got fussier and fussier. We nursed until she fell asleep every time

and then she'd wake up thirty minutes later and scream. This is how it went for the first few days. It was awful. We made it through our first weekend together, my milk came in and I finally got a lactation consultant on the phone. She told me that I was starving my baby. She told me that I needed to immediately start supplementing with formula, and that I needed a breast pump stat. Like I wasn't already freaked out and completely convinced that I was doing everything wrong. Thanks for the help. I practically threw the baby at my husband, and dove into the car. I cried all the way to the store, and sobbed while trying to find a breast pump that we could afford. Since none of them were free, I had to go with one that was marginally low-priced.

Thus began a ritual that lasted for almost 8 weeks. I would nurse Lily Ruth until she fell asleep so deeply that she could not be roused. If her daddy was home, she was passed off to him. If he wasn't, she went into her pack'n'play. Then I warmed a bottle of pumped breast milk. Then I pumped for 15 minutes on each side - that part got SO much better after 1) my parents bought me a double pump, 2) the lactation consultants gave me flanges for the pump that actually fit my body. After pumping, I would wash bottles and pump parts. Then it was time to give the baby her bottle (if daddy hadn't already done so), and rest until time to nurse again...

When Lily Ruth was almost 2 weeks old, I finally had an appointment with a lactation consultant instead of just a phone consultation. They were able to see for themselves what my problems were instead of assuming that I was just doing it wrong. I really DID have a 'lazy nurser' who truly couldn't be roused once she passed out. They also showed me a diagram detailing the fact that I had 'larger than average' nipples :-/ Really?  Let's stick to the things I don't know... jerks... then they told me that this was actually part of the problem. My infant daughter's head, jaw and mouth were currently too tiny to be completely compatible with my body. It also explained why I had so much trouble pumping. The factory default flanges for the pump were meant for 'average' nipples. My continued attempts to use them were like 'sucking through a straw that you're biting down on' :-/ great. They had a fix for me! New (correctly sized) flanges. It was heaven-sent. Milk started flowing like water. I finally had enough to feed my hungry baby. I even had enough to start freezing a 'stash'.

At the consultant's urging, I kept a ridiculously detailed log during this time:

I carried it everywhere... not that I went many places then. Getting out of the house was almost impossible. By the time I nursed the baby, pumped, gave her a bottle and got us both ready, it was usually time to start over with nursing again. We stayed home a LOT.

I thought that I was going to lose. my. mind. All I thought about was feeding my baby. I was absolutely convinced that she wasn't getting enough to eat or gaining enough weight. I agonized about every ounce of formula that passed her lips. I worried that I should be giving her more formula yet I hated the thought of having to do so.

I just kept setting tiny goals. I'll nurse for 3 weeks - I can do that. I'll nurse for 6 weeks. I'll nurse for 3 months. I worked toward my goals and tried to focus on my amazing daughter instead of my neurosis. As we plodded along, small things got easier. Namely, my baby grew like a weed. Her head, jaw and mouth finally got big enough that she was able to nurse easily. Then she got big enough that side-lying nursing worked. I finally set aside the breast feeding log when Lily was 6 weeks old and started to trust myself. Stuff like that. I turned around one day and realized that it wasn't so hard any more. We were just living. Just a mama and a baby. Nursing.

From then, it was just day-to-day mothering stuff. We still had our trials. Occasional public nursing. Biting. Middle of the night nursing for almost 19 months. CO-SLEEPING! Ugh. But we did it. My baby received almost 100% of her nutrition from me until after her first birthday. After a few feedings in her first 2-3 weeks, I never had to use formula. The only bottles she received had my milk in them. I eventually built up enough of a freezer stash of milk that I was able to donate to a milk bank that provides mothers milk to premature and ill infants who (for various reasons) wouldn't be able to get that liquid gold.

So here we are - almost 23 months into our breastfeeding adventure, and at it's end.

When we started, I never thought we'd make it this far. Before giving birth, I was one of those people who believed that 'if they can ask for it, they're too old to nurse.' I ended up nursing someone who said 'Urse?' and 'Other Side?' very politely when she wanted to partake. Never say never, folks. Especially if it pertains to kids.

It was a wild ride, Baby Girl. It was worth every minute. I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Good Day, Bad Night

So, after my frantic 'Tough Morning' post, Lily Ruth did fine at Parent's Day Out in the big kid room. They even took pictures of her playing with toys and taking a nap on a mat to show me how awesome she was. Ya'll, she has never in her whole life slept on a mat with other people around. She even had a blanket wrapped around her tiny self - another first! She blows me away every day.

I picked her up, and we went to swim lessons at Miss Diana's house. It was a tough lesson because only two babies were there. This means that we worked at least twice as hard as usual since there was so much more room in the pool and we had more of Diana's attention. We were both worn out but smiling when we were done. I am so glad that she's enjoying this! We went home and played and colored and nursed and talked. Eventually, Daddy made it home and we had our evening ritual of jammies, quiet time, rocking, then bed. Whew.

Daddy and I retired not too long after that. Daddy passed out from exhaustion and Mama read her book. Baby Lily Ruth slept until 11:30 and then woke up crying loudly. She normally whimpers a bit, but this was emphatic. I went in to get her, and the instant the door opened, she said 'ca-T' and started looking into the corners of the room and babbling. It made me wonder if she has started dreaming. If so, what in the world was she dreaming about? We visited quietly while I changed her diaper, then we got in Mama and Daddy's bed to nurse. She had a really hard time falling back to sleep. There was lots of tossing and turning and two nursing sessions before she was able to settle in. Our usual routine at this point is to nurse every hour or two. This is not ideal, but it seems to be the way that we all get the most sleep. Last night was an 'every 30 minutes' night, and Mama was almost as frustrated as Lily Ruth at our inability to rest comfortably. We settled in to nurse AGAIN around 4. Since she was on my left, there was a pillow between her and the edge of the bed... do you see where this is going?...

I would swear that one second she was latched on, and the next she was gone. Daddy swears that he somehow woke up and saw the whole thing, but he concedes that he might have imagined that after the fact. What probably happened is that I was much more asleep than I thought and she unlatched, threw herself dramatically across the pillow, overbalanced and flipped off the bed. All we know for sure is that she landed face down and oddly calm. Maybe she was asleep too, and stayed limp. There was no blood and very little crying. She needed to nurse immediately, but was able to let Daddy cuddle her (he was FREAKED OUT) very soon after. We all managed to get back to sleep eventually.

This morning has been a bit tender-hearted. Lily Ruth tries to be her usual silly self, but quickly deteriorates into a crying, tantrum-y mess. I can't help but wonder how much her head/face hurts and how freaked out she might still be. We've been to Starbucks, Daddy's office and Gabby B's. None of those were truly successful outings, but none were truly awful either... I guess I should count my blessings a bit more carefully today. My baby is intact. My sanity is strained but intact. My pool is marginal but improving. Things could really be so much worse, and they are not. *sigh*

Nursing in Public

So, this week is Nursing Freedom's Carnival of Nursing in Public.

Here's the deal, friends. I am a nursing mother. I am still nursing my one year old. The majority of her food comes directly from my body. This will continue until she is ready to be weaned (and communicates that to me), or I am seriously ready to be done nursing - whichever comes first. The fact that I have found myself practicing 'extended breast feeding' (nursing past the first year... or even past 6 months these days...) brings me under some pretty opinionated scrutiny. Some are curious as to how we made it this far. Some are 'weirded out' by nursing (and almost exclusively nursing) this long (or at all). Some don't care what I do at all :-)

What has also happened, is that I have become a bit defensive about my decision. I am ready to stand tall and say it loud. 'I BREAST FEED. I DO IT ALL OF THE TIME.' - like that. Even if nobody challenges me. I have to be careful that I don't start lecturing from a soapbox that nobody's looking at. There's no need to be a pompous jerk about what I'm doing - it just happens to be a choice that I've made. I have had to work hard to make it this far, but that does not make me a better mother than anybody else. It just makes me ME.

Since I am a stay at home mother (THANK YOU, hubby!!!!), Lily Ruth and I have been able to create our routine in our own manner. We do what we like, when we like. If we want to be out, we're out. If it's time to go home, we go home. As a result, I have done very little nursing in public. I do not have a problem with nursing in public. I do it if I need to. I do not mind if any other woman chooses/needs to nurse in public. I DO, however, have body issues of my own (*ahem* - nipples - *cough*), and I have an alert, squirmy, social baby who does not stay put under a blanket or nursing cover. She also will not settle into nursing if there is a lot (alot :-P) of activity around her, so if she's hungry, I usually seclude us for our session so as to avoid public nudity.

Since you stuck with me this long, I guess I'll get to a point. I DO have a problem with strident public nursers. Example: We went to the Children's Museum this week. At one point, we were watching a friend and his son on one of the 'rides'. I turned my head as another parent came into view. She pushed her stroller around a corner into the area where we were standing. She pulled out a nursing cover. She freed a tiny baby from the stroller. She proceeded to nurse her infant while STANDING in a walkway. A WALKWAY, people. One that led to the building's ONLY elevator. She coupled the awkward placement with a hostile 'you wanna make something of it?' demeanor. I was irritated. This is a children's museum. You are allowed to sit on EVERYTHING in there. There was no need to stand where everyone else needs to pass. There was also no call for the glaring. She just seemed determined to shove everybody's nose into her business in the hopes that she could have a fight about her right to be there.

Of course, I'm not her. I have no idea what her reasoning was. Maybe she came around that corner expecting privacy, and simply couldn't wait another moment to get that infant latched on. Maybe she wasn't hostile, just awkward and embarrassed. I shouldn't judge - at all. It just struck a nerve for me.

I approve of nursing in public. I agree that as nursing mothers we must support each other and bring awareness to the fact that we have a legal right to nurse in public. I believe very strongly that nursing is natural, healthy, and WHAT BOOBS WERE MADE FOR. I am angered by all of the recent celebrity 'tweets' about how disgusting public nursing is. In a culture that has developed an almost slavish devotion to celebrity (yuck), I find this infuriating.

What I don't approve of is forcing your point of view on others. I don't like it in ANY group of people be they mothers, religious fanatics, politicians, cult leaders... whoever.

The truth is that exposed breasts make people very nervous in our culture. Even the possibility of an exposed breast or (*gasp*) nipple sends people into a frenzy - and not a good one. That is simply a current fact. I am not convinced that the way to change the way society views public nursing (or nursing at all) is to FORCE people to watch you nurse. What if we were to go about it in a way that is less aggressive. Just behave as if we were feeding an infant a bottle or even just holding our little darling close... especially since that's how I nurse when I'm NOT in public. I do not believe that if I want to support public nursing that I have to 'whip out' a boob in my favorite restaurant.

Well, it has happened again, I've run out of steam. I started out all 'hey, I've got a point!' and now I'm all 'oh, I am soooo tired'. Stupid Mastitis. I'll be so glad when I feel better and can complete a thought!!!! ooof. Oh well. At least I made more of a point than usual.

To sum up quickly (and poorly), Ya'll can expect to hear more nursing talk from me, but don't expect and gratuitous frontal nudity in public. I MAY however be feeding my daughter, and you may not even notice ;-) unless she plants one of her tiny feet in the center of my chest and starts twirling my hair... then it gets a bit more obvious...

It's Official.

I'm exactly as sick as I thought that I was. Either that, or the nice man purporting to be a 'doctor' at the AH 'Doc-in-a-Box' was just humoring me.

Stupid Sinusitis - AGAIN. I had it in January/February (6 weeks, people!!!), and left it untreated because I felt bad about giving 6-month-old Lily Ruth all the antibiotics. I couldn't let it go this time. I feel like hammered dog poop. Every part of my body hurts a LOT*. The 'doctor' (I kid - he seemed very qualified and was exceedingly nice to Lily Ruth and I) didn't want me to breastfeed at all while on my z-pack & inhaled steroid (to make the z-pack more effective), but we compromised on nursing 1/2 of the time. I got the feeling that he thought I should be weaning her already. I stood my ground... for once. I happen to have a donation of milk all ready for the milk bank, so it will just have to stay in-house :-( I will nurse my angel in the overnight half of the day, and use stored milk and the old 'pump & dump' for the daylight half. I am so bummed to have to keep the donation, yet so thrilled to have it on hand. THANK GOODNESS I ran out of energy on Friday, and did not drop it off as planned!

Oh, here's something that freaked me out AND pissed me off - my prescription total was $175 for TWO ITEMS! My dad picked them up for me, and we both wigged out. Now, the clinic gave me a 'gift card' looking thing that will refund around $105 - hopefully - but they did not explain that I had to activate the damn card first, so we had to pony-up up front, and I will - again, hopefully - get the refund tomorrow. After I go through a ridiculous on-line process for a drug I will use for the next 5 days. Have you heard the This American Life report on prescription drugs? No? Click on the link to This American Life over in my side bar, and get yourself some knowledge. Apparently, my co-pay on this sucker will drop to 'as low as $11', but my insurance company will potentially be shelling out HUNDREDS of dollars. No wonder they screw us on everything else that they can... Don't even get me STARTED on the hearing test given to Lily Ruth in the hospital that I thought was mandatory, and we are now being charged almost $300 for!...

Enough for today. I have to do snort steroids into my nose then rescue my husband from baby-rocking purgatory (he's been in there a looooooong time!). I know. You totally wish that you were me.

here's how I feel :-(


*because of Allie over at Hyperbole and a Half (check my 'blogs I follow' window), I cannot type 'a lot' without thinking of her mythical creature called 'ALOT'. She did that on purpose.

Yay, BOOBIES!

This was a great thing to see as I opened Yahoo this morning! Who knew that BREASTFEEDING IS GOOD FOR BABIES? Apparently, a lot of folks, yet still not enough folks...

So, Lily Ruth and I will continue to nurse and pump and donate milk to the Milk Bank in Austin even though it is a huge pain in the butt (and boob) sometimes :-) until Lily Ruth is ready to stop... or I am truly done - whichever comes first.


that's us at about 24 hours old - I have already forgotten how it felt to hold somebody that tiny!

Vision Check

I must begin this post with a confession. I happened upon a high school acquaintance's blog today (um, she posted it on Facebook), and it was so well written and so expressive that I furiously clicked back to my dashboard, and began trying to type out a better blog. Well, in writing my 'better' post, I realized that blogging has curtailed some of my more (shall we say) blindingly obvious story telling defects (rambling, non-sequiturs, etc.), and allowed others (dashes, ellipses, parenthetical references) to rage unchecked. So I realized (yet again), that I am who I am, and I have to write in my own style. So, while I may expand on some of these topics later or even on a different blog (yep, we're starting a multiple-mama blog soon), for now, here's what I was thinking about today... in my own damn style...

I started my journey into Motherhood with a very clear vision of how this was gonna go. I knew that there would be lots of things that I learned as I went along. I knew that patience and flexibility (two of my largest stumbling blocks) would be needed by the truckload. I did research on everything that came into my head regarding babies and motherhood. I talked to friends who had already started their journey, and picked their brains endlessly. I had very definite ideas about parenting. I knew just how to keep myself from making any of the 'mistakes' that I felt anyone else in the history of parenting had made...

Then I gave birth, and right from the start, my plans were foiled.

Nursing was hard. I was so sure that because I really wanted to nurse, and my body was MADE to do it, that it would be easy for me. Well, it wasn't easy, but I hung in there because it was important to me. Now my daughter is 8 1/2 months old and is still thriving on food produced by my body. An incredible concept for me. So that was a win - albeit a hard-won victory.

Sleeping was easy. Deceptively so. Lily Ruth even slept on her own in her pack'n'play and then in her crib. But she got crankier and crankier. Then at her four month check up, our new pediatrician informed us (and rightly so) that we were in the midst of a 'Sleep Crisis', and recommended Dr. Weissbluth's 'Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child'. It worked until I got sick over Christmas and brought the baby into our bed for my convenience. Now I have a bed-sharing maniac. Which currently makes this one a loss - but a loss with potential. I am determined to win, but am wavering due to sleep deprivation.

I wanted a strong, healthy, confident baby. Somehow, I managed to translate that into a child who thinks that she's the boss of me, her Daddy, the care giving ladies at Parent's Day Out, and everyone else. She screams if she doesn't get her way, and I am at a loss as to what happened, and how to fix it. So far, we're trying Cry It Out sleep training, and leaving her at Parent's Day Out even though she screams with indignation for most of her time there. Another loss, yet I press onward with the hope that my determination will win out over hers.

This WILL get better. It's already improving... in theory... she only yelled for 2 hours last night... of course, we're going on two hours tonight with no sign of stopping (**edit: she yelled for 3 1/2 hours, slept for 2 1/2, then yelled for 1 1/2 when Daddy couldn't take it anymore, and brought her in with us so that HE could sleep, and I could stay awake being kicked, scratched and mangled.)... but she 'had a good day' at Parent's Day Out today! Which hopefully translates into 'she didn't cry for the entire 4 1/2 hours that she was here'.

DANG, Ya'll! This Mommy Gig is HARD. Even restaurant work was less taxing - if more soul-sucking. Fine, this is better... much better...