She's On To Me

My daughter has surprisingly refined tastes, and it's almost impossible to put anything past her. She prefers adult silverware to her toddler-sized replicas. She chooses all natural fruit and juice pops (preferably lime) over Daddy's favorite Bomb Pops. Most days, she requests 'THIS juice' (from the carton) rather than the kid-sized juice boxes in 'her' section of the fridge door. At dinner time, I've resigned myself to the additional dishes created by serving all of us 'family style' from dishes in the center of the table so that she can be assured that she's getting the same food as Mama and Daddy.

She's like this with everything - not just food. Mama's jewelry over plastic beads. Dresses and skirts, not shorts and pants. Legal pads and pens over coloring books and crayons. The computer over the t.v. (Drat! How's a mama supposed to write up in here?!)...

Her tiny fingers flit and flutter over her choices as she carefully evaluates her options; and with eyes thoughtfully narrowed, she announces her decisions with conviction. 'I wan dis one.' 'I doan wannit.' 'Doan yeik dat.' All pronounced with finality and/or dramatic shrieking.

Today, she decided that it's time to learn to drive. No longer content to shout commands from the back seat, she announced 'Uth haff keys. Drive tiny cah.'

We sat in the car for over half an hour as she taught herself the basics and acquainted herself with the functions of each button. 'NO, Mama, I doit! Yih-yee-oof drive!' You should have seen her when Daddy called the car (using ONSTAR). She demanded that I hand over my cell phone and stared at it's dark screen with confusion. 'Where's Daddy?' she demanded as she ducked under the steering wheel and into the passenger seat foot well looking for him. Eventually (after a rousing ABBA sing-a-long and some car dancing), all of her new skills and knowledge overloaded her circuits, and I was able to fold her into her car seat with promises of Thomas the Tank Engine pasta for lunch.

It's amazing to watch - beautiful. And infuriating. And exhausting... and I wouldn't trade it for all the tea in China. This time is so precious and so fleeting! It seems like yesterday that she learned how to... wait - when did she figure out how to open THAT!? Crap. I'm going to have to start sleeping with one eye open...

hiatus

I know that I said I was going to take a break before, but this time I mean it. I'm sure that Lily Ruth will continue to do amazing things like composing her first song ("I'll be right back. Gonna get some juice" - repeat until you fall asleep), remembering things that you told her three weeks ago and deciding that she really does need to go back to bed since she can't listen to Mama... but my heart is broken right now, and I need time to re-boot.

Our baby stopped growing about a month ago. My pregnancy is over.

Thank you for all of your love and support. We can hug later.

Sleepless in Texas

After my cranky day, we headed into an evening of 'can't seep, Daddy! Need to go-go Mama.' When asked where she needed to go with Mama, she replied 'Oh, it's right over dere.'

Daddy rocked her until she was not just calm but limp and asleep twice. Both times she sat straight up, screamed an hurled herself at her bedroom door when placed in her bed. *sigh*

Daddy thought that she might be scared of the (damn) anamatronic crocodile from earlier in the day. He thought that he heard her mention it in all of the screaming. Well crap. I finished up the dishes and we brought her into bed with us.

I suffered through an episode of 'Caillou' while Daddy snored on us. Then we turned out the lights and said our good nights. Apparently, that was the toddler equivalent of a starting pistol. She fidgeted, flopped, talked, sang, whined and whapped the headboard. Daddy slept and I fumed while doing my impression of a log. Every so often I reiterated the stance that Mama and Daddy's bed was a place where we were quiet and still. She would sigh, roll over and hold still for maybe 3 seconds.

*flop* *fidget* 'Bingy! Where's Bing?!' *no comment from Mama* 'Oh. Dere he is. Huh. Funny Bingy...' *alligator death roll* 'AGUA! My AGUA!!!! Oh, dere it is.' *noisy gulping* *cup collides with the headboard* - 2 count silence - *rhythmic whapping ensues* 'Boo, be still and be quiet or you cannot stay in Mama and Daddy's bed. If you wake me up again, you're going in your own bed.' *sigh* *immediate fidgeting* *THUD* <----- that's the sound of that f-ing cup hitting the bridge of my nose at high velocity.

At that point, I had actually kissed, soothed, ignored and cajoled her for over an hour and a half. That was my breaking point. I scooped up the girl, her blanket and her damn sippy cup, and strode angrily into her room. I dumped my cargo onto her mattress, turned on my heel and slammed the door. It went just as well as you might expect. Wailing, screaming, gnashing of teeth. Theatrical pounding of the door and demands for Daddy. He tried to go in to talk her down, but she slammed the door in his face. Being male and exhausted, he gave up and got back in bed. She flung herself around her room a few times and included a few stops at the door for full-body slams and a round or two of lips shoved as far under the door as possible in order to scream out of the room - a surprisingly effective technique.

I could only take a few short minutes of this. I returned to her room and crankily wiped her face. I demanded that she pick up her blanket, and announced that we were GOING to rock, and then she was GOING to sleep. Apparently, when you are two, you don't care if your mother is furious as long as she's there. We rocked. I fumed. She sobbed. It wasn't long before she went from pathetic to asleep. It took longer than that for me to calm down. When I finally stopped rocking the chair, I had to pull my interwoven fingers apart. They were stiff and swollen from being so tightly clenched.

I looked down at my girl. The top of her head almost comes to my collar bones these days, but she still sleeps on me like the tiny baby that she used to be. Hands loosely fisted on my chest. Legs wrapped around my body. Her whole self melted as closely into me as she can get.

I slowly stood, moved over to her bed and placed her on her mattress. She moved into her favorite spot. I put her cup near her elbow and covered her up. Then I backed out of the room like a ninja holding my breath the entire way. I made it to the hallway and managed to close the door with zero noise. She stayed asleep.

Why couldn't she have done this THREE HOURS AGO? Why am I not asleep? How much vodka is too much when you're 9 weeks pregnant? Calm down. It's a trick question. I can't abide any sort of alcohol these days. This baby is a teetotaler. Dammit.

Random Spirit Lifters

When she woke up from her nap today, I sent Lily Ruth in to see Daddy and I went back to bed. I was actually pretty surprised that she toddled in to see him instead of insisting on staying with me.

According to Daddy, she walked straight into the living room, stopped in front of him, looked him over and said 'that's a very nice shirt, Daddy.'

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We left the house around 10:15 this morning. We were on our way to the Children's Museum... which didn't open until noon :-/ so we spent an hour or so wandering downtown and the Riverwalk. Lily Ruth developed a love/hate relationship with the animatronic crocodile in the gift shop of the Rain Forest Cafe... stupid Landry's Corporation... and we covered quite a bit of ground! The downside was that I was beyond tired when we made it home, and my baby belly ached.

I was puttering around grousing about how crummy I felt. 'Hot... Cranky... Stupid belly...' My wonderful husband pokes his head around the corner and says 'But I love your belly!... and it's carrying really important stuff!' Wow. When he gets it right, he really gets it right.

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I wish that I had something wonderful that I said to add here, but I've been strangely negative all dang day. I hope that I've been able to keep it on the down low and that my family hasn't been dragged down by it... it's just one of those days. I feel overwhelmed by everything. Money's tight. The pool is cloudy. The kitchen seems to be generating it's own mess. The dog's allergies have blossomed into full-time itching, scratching and chewing. Lily Ruth got herself into a tantrum spiral and I wanted to sell her to the Gypsies...

But then the dog stops chewing on herself, walks over and kisses the baby into giggles. We swim in our cloudy pool all together and the giggles continue. We all pile onto the couch and bundle up in pajamas and fleece blankets to warm up and wind down for the night. Our daughter sucks her thumb and twirls her wet hair as my husband sings along with The Muppets. I find a quiet place in my mind and make room for the good things in our life. It's not all bad. It's really pretty good. I just need to put away the blinders and take a look.

Art 'Fails'

Remember when I got aaaaalllllllll excited about liquid watercolors? Well Lily Ruth's paternal grandmother is an artist, so she thought that buying art  supplies for birthday presents was a great idea! The Artist Known as Lily received 4 glorious colors and 'bingo markers' (tubes with sponges on the end) to use with them.

I could hardly wait to try them out. When Lily was ready to paint, I filled 4 tubes, grabbed a piece of nice watercolor paper and sat her down in her chair. I reached for the camera as she grabbed the first color. 'Just dab it, Baby.' 'Like this?'... she half-heartedly poked it at the paper 5 or 6 times. Then, before I could so much as blink, she announced 'didn't work, Mama! Open it!' and just like that, there was green liquid watercolor everywhere. I scooped her up and dumped her in the tub. Then I took these...

Then I cleaned up the mess and put the paints away... methinks that we need to reintroduce paintbrushes before we try those again...

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Ya'll know how we love window markers, right? Well, we do. They're awesome.

Earlier this week, we were window drawing while waiting for Daddy to come home. I was also making dinner, so I kept excusing myself to check on noodles and sautee vegetables. Which led to this...

Please note the bathing suit top worn jauntily around her neck ;-) She is learning to dress herself AND she adores her bathing suit.

Now, body art wasn't my original plan, but honestly, what's the harm? So when she grinned and aimed her marker in my direction, I simply laid down the 'no drawing on Mama's clothes' rule, and let her have at it. Check ME out!

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For me, a big part of parenting is learning not to kill the joy. Learning to allow things that I would normally avoid (like things that are messy or annoying) simply because they are FUN. Learning to look into my daughter's eyes and acknowledge that her experience is just as valid as mine. Learning to proudly wear marker tattoos.

Creative Burst

My most recent funk is receding enough so that I can function at a normal instead of emergency level. You know how I know? 'Cause I feel like making stuff!

I made a charm bracelet for Lily Ruth!

I used an idea from my Kittyn. You use jewelry chain and stretchy elastic cord. For Lily Ruth's bracelet, I used a length of chain twice the circumference of her wrist, and then threaded the cord through every other link to bring it down to her wrist size. We bought a tiny turtle charm at the aquarium, and it was my intention to put only that on the bracelet BUT when Sweet Lily got a look at my bead assortment, her crow-like tendencies kicked in, and she confiscated a few for her very own. Instead of leaving them in her tiny hands like so many choking hazards, I added them to the bracelet.

She has actually agreed to wear it it public on two separate occasions ;-)

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I luuuuuuuuv sundresses. I very firmly believe that (especially in this climate) you cannot have too many. I also believe that I have way too few... but I digress... In my newly bloated and ever-expanding condition, sundresses are practically a requirement for surviving the summer. A new on-line hero/acquaintance introduced me to the world's easiest sundress pattern. Apparently, you cut jersey knit cloth to a desired length (your armpits to however long your ideal dress is), and make sure the width is your belly plus about 5 inches. Once you sew this into a tube, you shirr the top (tutorial from Portabello Pixie), and VOILA! Dress. I almost peed with excitement. Then I made it to JoAnn Fabrics, and they had ZERO acceptable jersey knit prints... and solids simply will not do (for me) SOOOOOOO...

Dress modifications! In surveying my (*ahem* meager) collection, I realized that there were THREE jersey knit dresses that I don't wear for various reasons. Three! That would be a huge boon to my clothing collection.

One is a maternity dress that I thought that I loved, but it turns out that it has an unattractive bust - droopy and shapeless :-/

This one's getting a shirring treatment across it's pathetic bosom area. I've already done the grunt work, but I still have to steam-blast the elastic thread to finish it off... you'll have to wait to see the results - just like me :-P

*** Update: o.k., so I was big-time scared that this wasn't gonna work... so after I finished the sewing, I waited several hours to steam blast it... then I waited several hours to try it on... now I may never get a picture, because I love it so much that it's gonna be tough to get it off me!

*** Side note: OH THE HUMANITY! Vanity, thy name is boobs. Since not too long after puberty, I've been sporting the same perky, gently rounded B's. Pregnancy and nursing temporarily gifted me with delightfully full C's. What FUN! Weaning left me with deflated sort-of B's... and I was waiting with baited breath to see if I would be one of the lucky ones who had boobs that plumped back up a bit a few months after weaning. So here I am. Waiting. Bloated. Hormonal. Trying on dresses in the middle of the night... only to observe that shirring makes me look like a generous A :-/ ... dammit...
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One is toooooo slinky (a.k.a.: it shows every lump) but I ADORE the color and print:

So I'm gonna cut off the top, shirr about 10 inches, and call it reborn.

*** Note: I am currently too scared to cut off this dress. I don't know why. I don't wear it like it is. *sigh*
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The last one is an easy fix - it's just too long. Everything else is perfect:

So just a hem. No biggie :-)

How did I not know about elastic thread and shirring before? Have I been living in a cave??? It is a mind-numbingly boring process to hand wind the bobbin and sew row after row of closely spaced stitches, but the results are so AWESOME! I'll post 'after' pics as they become available :-)

Random Thoughts on a Friday

I should n-e-v-e-r buy white towels.

I need new towels.

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Maybe the reason 'our' (I use the quotes because I have done nothing for weeks) garden is so happy is that we're a strange combination of well intentioned, benignly neglectful and blissfully ignorant yet learning.

Our little bed is beautifully, hilariously, lushly overblown.

The rows are too close together (TOTALLY my fault). You have to hop in and out to harvest.

The squash have all literally left the building - they've abandoned the bed where their center stalks have been infested with Boring Beetles, and have re-established themselves outside the confines of the bed and are thriving.

The watermelon vines are out of control. A tendril (or 3) have grown up onto the bean trellis and a solitary melon hangs pendulously breast-like off one side.

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If pregnancy is so beautiful, why am I bloated, pimply and moody? Nobody thinks bloated, pimply and moody is beautiful.

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My daughter turned two and decided that she's a social butterfly. People that have been waiting to talk to her for a full year are delighted to be the recipients of her attention. Now, if only she would decide that the time for temper tantrums has passed :-P

My 'Baby' Turns TWO!!!

Baby no longer! My Darling One is now a bona-fide two-year-old - and a feisty one at that!

We rang in her natal anniversary with a family party at home. Lunch, presents, swimming and a cake iced in her favorite color - acid green. What more could you ask for? Nothing else - that's what!

It was a very good day, folks. A great day to be Lily Ruth, and a spectacular day to be her parent. I can't WAIT to see what the coming year brings. Knowing Lily Ruth as I do, it's sure to be awe-inspiring. Stay tuned...

I Have NEEEEWWWWWWS!

06/02/11 - 4 weeks
In the midst of my entire life exploding into metaphorical flames, I perform a home pregnancy test. POSITIVE!!! Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy! Oh. Huh.

I call the midwife practice in a fit of optimism, and due to my recent losses they want to see me sooner than their regular 10-12 week window. My first appointment will be in just over a week!

06/05/11 - 4 weeks 3 days
I act like the obsessive compulsive that I am and perform yet another test. The 'pregnant' line shows up before the control line - just like it  did with Lily Ruth!

Top test - 4 weeks / Bottom test - 4w 3d... pregnant people do crazy stuff... like taking pictures of things that we've peed on...

I'm ridiculously bloated. I can't bear to have shorts or pants press against any part of my abdomen. I've also had several days of near constant aching and twinges, yet I'm not worried about them. They feel normal.

06/08/11 - 4 weeks 6 days
Had my first (last?!) bout of nausea yesterday. We took Lily Ruth out around 4:30, and it was so hot that I thought I was going to either die or throw up. I didn't do either, but I was nauseated until almost 8. Ugh. Still bloated. Still cramping. Still fine with it. :-)

06/09/10 - 5 weeks!!!
I told my husband that I thought the bloating was better today. He said 'Oh.' That's it. Just 'oh'. That means I'm delusional - the bloating is the same... :-P

06/13/11 - 5 weeks 4 days
The evening nausea is now a 'thing' :-/ If I have to leave the house around 5 pm, it's worse because the heat sets it off. If I stay in, it's set off by attempts to plan and/or prepare dinner. Thanks, Baby :-P

06/14/11 - 5 weeks 5 days
Had our first appointment today! The midwives and their assistants AND their support staff are wonderful. Since it's so early in my pregnancy, all they did was a urine test (totally pregnant) and take blood for blood work. My next appointment (with ultrasound!!!) is July 19 (10w 5d) :-)

We've unofficially decided to tell folks over Lily Ruth's birthday weekend. I'll be just over 7 weeks - past my personal freak-out period, so YAY!

06/18/11 - 6 weeks 2 days
I bought flannel and satin to make a baby blanket! I am suffering from a bit of guilt since I didn't make anything for Lily Ruth until the leg warmer juggernaut started... but she turned out just fine... and I'm feeling ambitious :-)

I'm also changing my mind about names. We had our boy name from last time, and Don found a new girl name, but now I don't know... the girl name can stay, but boy name...

06/21/11 - 6 weeks 5 days
My blood work came back. Everything looks good except for my progesterone.  I actually spoke to my midwife about progesterone at my appointment. Some of my on-line reading suggested that low progesterone might be to blame for multiple losses, therefore progesterone supplementation might be indicated. The midwife said that all of the emerging research shows that progesterone supplementation might not make a difference. In fact, it's not clear if low progesterone levels cause multiple losses or if they are a sign of multiple losses.

But while it is not clear if supplementation helps, it doesn't seem to do any damage. So since my level was so low, she'd be happy to offer the supplement, but she didn't feel that it was necessary. I dithered back and forth all day about weather or not to supplement. I called a friend who I lovingly refer to as 'Mrs. Science'. I googled obsessively. I asked my mom for help from her librarian at work. I played phone tag with my midwife all afternoon. As the day finally ends, I decided to let nature take it's course. At this point, it's so early that if my own body isn't ready to support a healthy pregnancy on it's own, then it might be a really bad idea to force the issue.

06/24/11 - 7 weeks 1 day
We shared the news with Don's parents today! Rolling right along!

06/26/11 - 7 weeks 3 days
Now, to tell the whole entire internet...

'DAU-FINS!!!!!'

In case you hadn't guessed, Lily Ruth and I made it to the aquarium again. Daddy had to work down there last week, so we drove down with him, and played while he worked. Poor Daddy.

Lily Ruth is so funny! I let her 'take' several pictures of the dolphins in the underwater viewing area. Immediately following each one, she would turn the screen around, and run up to the window excitedly yelling 'dau-fins, is YOU! Is YOU dau-fins!' She genuinely couldn't understand why they didn't rush over to see themselves on camera.

At one point, she had been sitting quietly with me on a bench when she abruptly jumped down and ran over to the window. She whapped both hands against the glass just as one of the dolphins swam by. He stopped, flipped over onto his back, and glided in (nose first) toward her with his mouth open in a huge grin. Just so you know, an upside-down dolphin grin is VERY toothy. Lily jumped, shrieked and looked at me with wide eyes. I said 'he's so silly! That silly boy is playing with you!' She thought about it for a short second, grinned, turned back to the dolphin and giggled. He obligingly lingered near her turning, flipping and generally showing off. Heaven.

We had a great time. In addition to extensive time with her new boyfriend the dolphin, we petted rays, flirted with turtles, and learned to swing from handrails... thank you, hoodlum jerk kids, now my daughter is obsessed with swinging from things meant to keep people back from exhibits... but it was worth it.

Since it was almost her birthday, we bought a little something in the gift shop. Lily Ruth is delighted with her new water bottle :-)

She had to take it to Starbucks the next day and show it off to her barrista friends. She was so excited that she even SPOKE to Abby - who has been waiting for that day for a very long while!

Cutie Patootie, no?