Last night, she went to sleep fairly easily, but when she woke at 2 am to nurse, she refused to go back to sleep. Well. let me amend that - she would suck her thumb and pretend to be asleep if one of us was rocking her or standing over her crib with a hand on her back, but as soon as we walked away, she would pop up and cry. That got old FAST, and we also realized that it was completely defeating the purpose. She not only has to sleep in her own bed, but she needs to be able to soothe herself to sleep WITHOUT one of us being there. So we went back to bed, and she stayed in her crib YELLING - not crying, but full-on angry yelling - (aaaahhhhhhhh... ahBAWB... ahdaDAda... aAAaah... DAAAAhd... *sob*... ahbabababa...) for over 2 hours. I'm pretty sure that she has figured out that full-bore crying is truly exhausting, (and she is in it to win it) and that is why she has switched to yelling.
Tonight, she passed out while nursing at around 8:45. It's not optimal for her to fall asleep someplace other than her crib, but you gotta work with what ya got, so I walked her to her room, and laid her down. Her big blue eyes immediately popped open and the yelling commenced. I waited 30 minutes, then went back in to check on her. Secret weapon #2 had been deployed... and by #2, I mean poop. Ya'll, my angel baby can get herself so worked up that she poops. Awesome. I cleaned her up, rocked her for a few short minutes, then put her into the crib again. She actually rolled onto her tummy and started sucking her thumb, but when I walked away instead of 'laying hands' on her, she sat bolt upright and started yelling. We're going on 20 minutes of round two, and she is showing no signs of fatigue. I, on the other hand, am drop-dead tired. Of course, I cannot sleep while she is crying, because I am her mother. I seem to be hard-wired to her noises. I tried laying out a crafting project - I am bound and determined to finish that Sushi Bracelet!!! - but it didn't soothe me. Instead, my crafting stuff seems to be mocking all of the determination that I had last fall. The multiple unfinished projects feel like ankle weights... or a food diary... something you do because you're supposed to, but that you don't really want to do... which is a shame, because there is some fun stuff in there.
Great. In reading over this post, there seems to be a hint of whine, and an element of 'poor me' seems to be trying to creep in. So here is what I will do. I will breathe deeply - repeatedly. I will stand up, stretch, and go check on my daughter. I will then make a cup of tea and grab my new book. I will turn tonight around and I will give myself time. Time to re-teach my daughter (and myself) to sleep. Time to figure out what I want to do in my 'free time' that will replenish my inner well-spring. Time to just BE without judging myself for not accomplishing something every second. Time to watch my baby grow and learn because she's moving so fast that it feels like a blur! Time to honor who we are and where we are because it's a pretty great place to be if we take the time to notice.
Goodnight. Sleep tight.
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