Lily Ruth gave herself a whopper of a bruise this weekend. It's on her cheek, and it's EPIC. The thing is, due to her flair for the dramatic, I'm not sure which of her 'I've fallen and my world is ending' tumbles resulted in the mark. She took at least 3 such spills. She also took a few others that were not quite so scream-worthy, yet were no less terrifying for her mother.
It brought on a wave of motherhood anxiety (MA) combined with a trip down memory lane (ML)...
MA: Seriously!? Why did I wait until I was 36 to have a baby? I may be too old for this, and I over think everything!
ML: When my Mama was 36, she was re-emerging into a social/dating scene due to a divorce, and I was IN HIGH SCHOOL!!!
MA: SERIOUSLY!!! WHY DID I THINK YHIS WAS A GOOD IDEA??? (this was after her 2nd or 3rd tumble)
ML: Mama always knew what to do.
MA: Shit. Should I always know what to do? Crap. I need a book or an internet article or SOMETHING!
ML: Wait, maybe it's a mama job to always act like you know exactly what is going on... not that my own mother wasn't clairvoyant. I'm sure she was.
So, it went on like that for most of the afternoon, then I discovered Hyperbole and a Half, and then I didn't care if I was a bad mother anymore. I just wanted to be half as awesome as Allie. Ya'll, I wasted at least two hours this weekend (more, I suspect) reading her blog. I think that I needed the break from focusing on the mommy side of me. While I love this journey, and wouldn't trade it for anything, it can feel limiting at times. Distractions are good when you feel like that. Distractions can keep you from setting The Funk loose on your own weekend.
In completely unrelated news, we took a really great walk this morning. I pushed my pace (and the stroller :-P) all the way to Starbucks. Then we took the long way home which means we walked about 2.5 miles. I soooo wish that Lily Ruth was able to get exercise while Keely and I walk. She gets bored in the stroller. Then when we get home & I want to collapse, she's rested and ready to rumble.
Also completely unrelated, I've decided not to participate in the blog-land 'award' memes. I love them in theory, but in reality it feels like I'd be sitting around patting myself on the back for writing a journal. I am ridiculously grateful to Eileen for her beautifully complementary words, but I won't be passing it on. While I love that other people read this, I started this blog for me - as a way to push my comfort level with writing and journaling and as a way to document this time in my life. I will continue to follow, read and comment on other blogs, but when it came time to pass on the 'award', it made me feel like I was either self-promoting or judging the worthiness of other blogs. It made me uncomfortable, so I'm not going to do it. I'm sure I've over-thought this (again), but apparently, that's who I am.
Wow. That was hard to write! I'm such a people pleaser that I re-worked that last paragraph countless times. I was sure that everyone (all 10 people who read my blog... including me...) would think that I was saying that THEY shouldn't pass around blog awards or that I was insulting them in some other manner. O.k. THIS is why I used to avoid journaling of any kind - self doubt. OI! I'm doing it again! Martini, please!
Here, let's switch subjects. I 'planted' herbs and finished 'planting' the grass plugs. I use the quotes because my gardening techniques involve fancy tools like a kitchen spoon, a pizza cutter and the toe of my sneaker. The herbs seem happy
and the new grass plugs don't look any worse than their brethren who were 'planted' two weeks ago, so maybe they're not dead. I also kicked/pulled the dead bushes out of the front bed and whacked a bunch of young Hackberry saplings off at ground level. Those things are jerks. Since I just walloped 'em off with hedge clippers, they'll be back. But it made me feel better to do it. I also improperly yanked out a bunch of weeds in the back bed. They'll be back, too. Such is my lot as an impatient, untrained yard-keeper... :-)